As children get older, parents and adolescents struggle with the concepts of autonomy and dependency. Adolescents strive for independence as a way to grow and evolve into a unique individual, however, up until these teenage years, parents have innately created a dependent role for themselves, constantly caring for their child.
Barbara J Howard explains that adolescents and their parents need to negotiate the “Four I’s” of adolescent development. These include Initiative, Individuation, Independence, and Intimacy. Adolescents need to take the initiative in their activities including how they manage homework and do their chores. If parents try to structure these initiatives, they will receive a lot of pushback. In terms of individuation, adolescence is a time for discovery and the need to feel unique. It is necessary for parents to pick and choose their battles. If a child comes home with an ear piercing it may be more safe to let that go, but if a child comes home three hours past curfew it may be more reasonable to discuss..
As adolescents strive for independence, it may be difficult for parents to set standards and rules for everything. Sometimes, it is better for adolescents to learn from their mistakes in order to mature. In terms of intimacy, adolescents want and need privacy for the relationships they encounter. Parents need to seem available in order for their child to feel comfortable speaking to them, however, parents should not ask too many questions and get too involved.
These Four I’s are a great rule of thumb for parents when dealing with their kids. They can be used for everyday situations. It is important for parents to create a balance between supporting dependency and promoting independence.
Howard, Barbara J. "Help Parents Guide Children into Adolescence." Clinical Psychiatry News (2011): 11. Print.
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