Arguing in Front of the Kids: What Effect Does it Have?

by Kristi Caporoso

    No kids enjoy seeing their parents fight. And in turn, parents usually strive not to fight in front of their children, or drag their children into fights. However, it's impossible to never have an argument in front of your kids. They sometimes erupt at inopportune and unpredicted times. However, you can reign in how your arguments affect your kids if you pay attention to how you are fighting, what you are fighting about, and how you resolve your issues.
    For example, personal attacks on one another will more negatively affect your child than impersonal arguments. They "cause children to believe that their parents are at war and that the dispute will not be resolved except through damage to one parent or the other, or to the relationship between them" (Balter). This is something that as a parent you should strive to avoid; while on the other hand if an argument comes up about something less personal (i.e. shopping for groceries) it may not be as detrimental to your child.
    Your child's age has an impact on the way they see an argument as well. When they are toddlers, kids may not be able to recognize the words being exchanged--but they are able to pick up on discordance. Typically they will cover their ears or eyes to try to shut out the fight. As they get older and can understand what is being said, preschool-aged kids will be more susceptible to take everything they hear literally. Keep this in mind if your argument is escalating in front of your 3-5 year old. Also, kids this age may try acting out to distract parents from a fight. 6-8 year-old kids tend to be more embarrassed by their parents fighting, and "feel pressed to take sides in an argument" (Balter). Overall, as a parent you should monitor the type of fighting that takes place in front of your child. Not only do children tend to blame themselves for their parents' fights, but they also are confused by sarcasm and can in turn grow up to be sarcastic themselves, or distrusting of if others really mean what they say.
    While these fights may not be beneficial, it is important to not just pretend that nothing is wrong and "sweep disagreements under the rug." This does nothing to benefit you or your child--they will not believe you that nothing is wrong, and suspect the worse since you aren't telling them anything. However, when you talk with your kids it's critical not to involve them in your fights. Don't ask them to take your side, don't try to bounce your opinions off of them, etc. The argument is yours to deal with, not theirs. Also detrimental to children is arguing about childrearing practices in front of them. Yelling at your significant other for allowing your child to watch too much TV or something of that nature will further lead the child to believe the fight is their fault.
    Arguing with your spouse or significant other is inevitable. It is also inevitable that these fights will sometimes occur in front of your children. However, if you keep these facts and effects in mind, you should be able to keep in check the negative effects your arguments have on your kids.

Source: Is it OK to argue in front of the children? Lawrence Balter, Ph.D.