Narcissists are always looking for their next “fix”, another
dose of admiration and applause to keep them high on excitement and the “grandiose”
image they have of themselves. However,
the need to feed off of other’s approvals for this attitude seems contradicting
to what most narcissists are mostly known for, devaluing others and their
opinions. The “paradox” that narcissists
exhibit “a combination of grandiosity and fragility” is described by Psychologist
Mitja D. Back, of Johannes Gutenberg-University in Germany. Back’s research, noted
in Psychology
Today in an article called How to
Spot a Narcissist, suggests that narcissists tend to use the positive
feedback from who is around them to keep their high, and devalue and avoid those
who give a “harsh dose of reality.” This behavior is giving researchers insight
on how the narcissist ever even became the ego driven being that he/she is.
Many debate over whether the cause of narcissism stemmed
from random parental praise or a lack of any praise at all and rejection. The one
thing that everyone CAN agree on is the distrust and insecurity that is forced
upon the narcissist when the first impressions begin to fade and those around
them are no longer admiring or applauding them. This continuous “whiplash” of
emotions gives researchers Lorna Otway and Vivian Vignoles the impression that
Freud’s original idea of parents giving both
random praise and rejection could be the result of the child not trusting any
kind of praise and growing up to be the insecure narcissist who seeks constant
admiration and only maintains “weak ties” with everyone so as to not have to
deal with any kind of rejection.
Susan Heitler, a PhD Clinical Psychologist, takes a more
comical route in describing possible causes for narcissism in an article called
Success
Can Breed the Narcissism of "Tall Man Syndrome".
Many of her narcissistic male patients had turned out to be very tall in height
and of course had confidence that was “sky high” despite their relationship
problems they could not obviously understand. As she dropped off her kids at preschool, she
noticed one very tall boy who was going around the classroom and taking other
kid’s toys and books they were using for his own pleasure without asking and
walking away. The tall boy was in fact going against the classroom rules that
all the kids are taught, yet every child seemed to not mind as the tall boy
took away their things with a “likable smile” on his face. Susan then suspected
that her tall narcissistic clients had been “at risk since they were youngsters
of succumbing to a narcissistic life stance.” Basically, anything that could
make a child stand out more so than any other child, in this instance even
height, could potentially feed the ego at an early age.
Unfortunately, trying to find definitive causes for narcissism
is as difficult as it is to treat them. As I have mentioned in this blog,
narcissists look for admiration and feed off of those who applaud them and
avoid anyone with any kind of criticism or negative feedback. So, it’s easy to
assume how difficult a therapy session would be with a narcissist. However, the
silver lining can be seen as Susan tries to remedy this situation in suggesting
that narcissists, who tend to want to be the best at everything, could be great
patients if they look at it as a process of becoming an even better person.
So as we go about our daily lives and either have a run in
with a narcissist, or must deal with one every day, hopefully we can try and
approach them more strategically understanding a little from where the narcissism
could have came from.
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