Why Are You Still Single?

By Pamela O'Connor

Many people wish to find their partner, soul mate, spouse, etc. Unfortunately, that is easier said than done. People come from broken families, or have had traumatic relationships that will scar them for life. This makes finding a new mate extremely difficult, and trust issues much more common and harder to fix.

A lot of these deep-rooted problems can stem from family issues. If someone has grown up in an environment that has had a large amount of loss, trauma, or distrust it can make him or her feel unsafe. Being in this situation constantly will enable the person to build protective walls around themselves and make a routine that is comforting. This can be difficult to let someone into, for fear of disrupting their “bubble” and changing what they are so used to.

Caregivers and past partners can also make you feel unlovable. If you grew up having strict boundaries and rigid parents, they may have made you feel that there was no emotional connection. This can cause you to choose partners that will do the same, because having an intimate connection with someone may not even be an option to you.  You may legitimately want a real, meaningful relationship but it is not that easy for you, so you go with what you know and ultimately end up being single.

Trauma is a huge factor in why people stay single. You may have been in an accident, or even abused physically, mentally, or emotionally. These types of traumatic events can stay in your mind and get worse over time if not treated properly. This can pollute your hopes for the future and change your outlook on love in general. You will not want to experience the same trauma over and over again, so you take extreme caution in all future relationships.

There are other reasons to staying single as well. You may have not had any large traumatic event in your life, and you could be relatively normal. However, you just haven’t reached the stage that you want a real commitment yet. That’s normal, but if you are involved with someone, it would be wise to communicate that you aren’t ready for something serious. You should at some point be ready for a full commitment and be ready to provide that.

Another reason to avoid relationships could be an overwhelming needyness that you may feel ashamed of. You may not completely love yourself, and so you think no one would love you. This can lead to self hate and a phobia of relationships in general. You may also be okay with yourself and your needs, but you may expect the same out of a future partner, and if that is not given it could disappoint you.

Whatever the reasoning for you staying single, it is important to know yourself and your boundaries. When looking for a relationship, you must at first be willing to keep an open mind and accept others for who they are, and find a way that both of your needs can be met together.